so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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