guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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