i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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