If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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