I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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