Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
