1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
