i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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