Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
