Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
