I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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