My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
