My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
