Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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