There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
