just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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