Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
