Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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