Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
