Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
