worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
