"it" just moved
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
