I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
