We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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