weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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