I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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