I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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