Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
