I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
