It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
