It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
