remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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