I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
