I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
