I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
