Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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