put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
