it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
