Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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