two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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