Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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