He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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