I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
