Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
