I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
