He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
