Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
