His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
