I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
