Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
