Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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