woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
