I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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